A Better Response to Bullying
If your child is coming home and complaining of being bullied its natural to feel alarmed and concerned.* While you should bring your concern up immediately with your class teacher, I recommend you take the following steps with your child:
1. Explore Feelings: “What’s that like to have someone tease you?” “Where do you feel that emotion in your body?” “Are there times teasing might feel more, or less, upsetting?” “If that feeling had a shape or color, what would it look like?”
2. Validate Feelings: “Oh! I understand that feeling and it makes so much sense!” “Of course it feels sad/bad/terrible!” “Your description of your feelings really helps me understand what you are going thru, and it makes total sense!”
3. Normalize Feelings; “I hate being teased, I have had that happen to me too.” “I remember a time I was teased and it made me feel so bummed out.” “I wonder if other people in your class have also experienced those feelings.” “I don’t know a single person who hasn’t been teased and hasn’t had their feelings hurt.”
4. Now What?: “So, what do you want to do with these feelings now today?” “Maybe we could write them on a paper and then crumple the paper up and throw it away?” “Maybe we could draw a picture of these feelings?” “Do you want to hold onto these feelings and keep feeling them, or do you want to be done with these feelings now?” “Maybe you could create an anti-bullying club in your class?”
5. Self-Esteem Boost: “Tell me a few things you like about yourself, even though you got teased” “Want to know a few things I like about you?” “What do you think your friends like about you as a person?”
Taking this route teaches them many important lessons. Their feelings matter AND they have choices about what to do with their feelings. You help them understand that these bad feelings won’t sink them, even if they do feel really uncomfortable (you are living proof of that fact!). You demonstrate that you aren’t going to take action (like call the other student’s parents) without first consulting with your child; this helps your child feel safe to share openly with you. When parents “over-react” or demonstrate their own dysregulation (anger, sadness, etc.) the child can feel like its no longer safe to share with the parent because it will upset the parent, or the parent might do something which embarrasses the child.
*Please take the time to clarify with your child the difference between being teased, and systematic bullying. This article is assuming that your child is not in danger. If you believe your child to be in danger, its important to teach them about seeking a safe person but the above steps can still apply.
