"Deeper Connection" in Conversations; A Simple Formula

Deeper connections are the key to better sex, more laughter, shorter arguments, and an overall sense of wellbeing.

This is a simple formula (maybe overly simplified) for helping foster a deeper connection via conversations. Deeper connections don’t have to involve intense, multi-hour heart-to-hearts, or arguments. This formula is a tool to help create a greater sense of closeness, even in basic chats between you and your loved one.

1. Information

2. Emotion

3. “Attachify”

Information- Share a bit of information. It doesn’t have to be big or important. Really anything will do, but this is especially important when your partner asks you about your day/you/your life. EXAMPLES: “I got a lot done at work today.” “I read an article about climate change.” “There was so much traffic on my way home today.”

Emotion- Again, this doesn’t have to be complex, just 1 or 2 emotional words that come up for you regarding the information you shared. EXAMPLES: “I feel pleased and proud that I got so much done today.” “Reading about climate change is upsetting and/or confusing for me.” “All that traffic made me feel so frustrated and a little bit tired.”

Attachify- Yes, this is a made up word in the world of couple’s therapy. The idea is to create a connection. Explaining how the information and emotion impact the connection between you and your partner. EXAMPLES: “I feel pleased that I got so much done because it means I will be able to have more fun with you this weekend.” “Even though climate change stresses me out, I’m glad that we have each other.” “The frustration of all that traffic might make it hard for me to connect with you this evening until I relax a little bit.”

For most people, the hardest part of this formula is going to be the “Attachifying.” This is probably because its a little bit vulnerable to talk directly about your connection to your partner (hence, that’s what helps make it deeper).

A deeper connection doesn’t just happen by accident. It definitely doesn’t happen by just continuing to do everything the exact same way. It also doesn’t happen by trying this formula once or twice. This is a formula to add to your daily interactions and if applied day after day, you will find yourself feeling closer to your partner.

As you read this, if you can’t imagine “attachifying” things with your partner, then it probably means you have some pretty big barriers to vulnerability. If that’s the case, then you will probably need some assistance, in couples counseling, to begin implementing this formula.

What Does a "Deeper Connection" Mean?

So many of my clients come into therapy seeking a deeper connection.  Usually, one partner is describing needing a deeper connection in order to feel happy, sexual, content in the relationship.  The other partner often has no clue what a "deeper connection" means or looks like.  Its pretty hard to create/achieve something that you don't understand.  It makes sense that this is a place that many couples get stuck.  

So, what does a deeper connection look like?  What does it mean?  How do we achieve this allusive thing?  My next several blog posts are going to begin tackling this topic.  

A Better Response to Bullying

A Better Response to Bullying

If your child is coming home and complaining of being bullied its natural to feel alarmed and concerned.*  While you should bring your concern up immediately with your class teacher, I recommend you take the following steps with your child:

1.       Explore Feelings:  “What’s that like to have someone tease you?”  “Where do you feel that emotion in your body?”  “Are there times teasing might feel more, or less, upsetting?”  “If that feeling had a shape or color, what would it look like?”

2.       Validate Feelings:  “Oh! I understand that feeling and it makes so much sense!”  “Of course it feels sad/bad/terrible!”  “Your description of your feelings really helps me understand what you are going thru, and it makes total sense!”

3.       Normalize Feelings;  “I hate being teased, I have had that happen to me too.”  “I remember a time I was teased and it made me feel so bummed out.”  “I wonder if other people in your class have also experienced those feelings.”  “I don’t know a single person who hasn’t been teased and hasn’t had their feelings hurt.”

4.       Now What?:  “So, what do you want to do with these feelings now today?”  “Maybe we could write them on a paper and then crumple the paper up and throw it away?”  “Maybe we could draw a picture of these feelings?”  “Do you want to hold onto these feelings and keep feeling them, or do you want to be done with these feelings now?”  “Maybe you could create an anti-bullying club in your class?”

5.       Self-Esteem Boost:  “Tell me a few things you like about yourself, even though you got teased”  “Want to know a few things I like about you?”  “What do you think your friends like about you as a person?”

Taking this route teaches them many important lessons.  Their feelings matter AND they have choices about what to do with their feelings.  You help them understand that these bad feelings won’t sink them, even if they do feel really uncomfortable (you are living proof of that fact!).  You demonstrate that you aren’t going to take action (like call the other student’s parents) without first consulting with your child; this helps your child feel safe to share openly with you.  When parents “over-react” or demonstrate their own dysregulation (anger, sadness, etc.) the child can feel like its no longer safe to share with the parent because it will upset the parent, or the parent might do something which embarrasses the child. 

*Please take the time to clarify with your child the difference between being teased, and systematic bullying.  This article is assuming that your child is not in danger.  If you believe your child to be in danger, its important to teach them about seeking a safe person but the above steps can still apply.

Are You Sabotaging Your Relationship?

"Self-sabotage" is a concept that has gone out-of-style.  But when it recently popped back into my consciousness, I found myself noticing signs of it everywhere. 

If you can't seem to find yourself comfortable in a relationship (assuming your partner treats you well), then you might want to take a look at this blog post on Self-Sabotaging:

http://www.monikahoyt.com/how-to-stop-self-sabotage/

Dealing with Difficult Extended Family Situations

Couples often come in with conflict regarding difficult family situations.  Generally, both members of the couple feel unheard and unsupported regarding their feelings surrounding the family situation.  This can be tough to sort out because often the situation has been going on for many years and there are many episodes of conflict, hurt feelings, renewed hope, broken trust, etc.  In many cases, addiction, finances, treatment of children, and other heated issues are involved in the situation.  Families involve many people, and people are messy and flawed.  The more people, the more chances there are for some kind of messy situation to arise.  

While my ultimate goal with all couples is to help them communicate openly and more vulnerably, I also have some thoughts on self-care for dealing with difficult family situations.  

#1-  Get an individual counselor;  If your feelings about a family situation weigh on you, but result in conflict or feeling unheard when you talk with your partner, it probably means you need to find a safe place to process.  We can't always be the best listeners for our partners, when they are upset with OUR family members.  While I'm sure we'd all like to be that objective and neutral, we aren't.  Its the old concept of "I can talk bad about my family, but YOU CAN'T!"  It might be appropriate for you to process with a trusted friend, but that too can become a messy situation.  Its best/ideal for you to find a confidential, safe, neutral person to vent and process with.  

#2- Journal or Letter Writing;  Let me be clear that the "letter writing" is not actually letters to be shared.  This self-care step is for you to process your feelings and organize things you might want/need to share with someone.  This is NOT a suggestion to write a big, long, nasty letter and send it.  The idea of journaling or writing letters (both of which may be later destroyed) are a way for you to externalize some of your heated thoughts and feelings.  You can write, and re-write and organize yourself so that when you do communicate with your partner/family, you can be as kind and compassionate as possible.  

#3- Remember Your Partner;  If you have negative emotions about your partner's family, or their treatment of you/your partner, this is likely an impossibly painful situation for your partner.  They need you to be supportive of them and their choices.  No matter how horrible our families might be, we tend to love them and feel some kind of strange loyalty towards them.  If you love your partner, try to stay focused on what they need from you as their loving supportive partner (while you have support from your own counselor/trusted friend).  

#4- Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries;  If this family situation simply will not/can not be resolved, you have to realize that you CAN NOT CONTROL ANYONE BUT YOURSELF!  You can't control your partner (nor should you try), and you certainly can't control your families' choices and behaviors.  All you can do is try to take care of yourself by remembering that you are separate from those people.  Other people make odd choices but there is a boundary between you and all others.  You can be ok no matter what anyone else says/does!  Hold onto this fact when you go into different situations.  Try to imagine that you are watching a movie with an odd cast of characters.

#5- Give Kids Critical Thinking Skills*;  Talking negatively about family members around children isn't helpful.  Kids need to be able to assess and come to conclusions for themselves about how they should be treated.  As a parent, you don't need to tell them every detail of every family situation, you need to give them the skills and awareness about how they should be treated.  Teaching them that its not safe to be around certain activities, language, behaviors etc. helps them develop the internal compass that steers them away from icky stuff.  Teaching them about what compassion, kindness, fairness, and safety look like, helps them gravitate towards goodness.  

*If situations are dangerous or unsafe for children, then its absolutely necessary that you take all precautions to keep kids safe.  

Mantras for a Healthy Mind

Mental health isn't just a given.  Just like physical health and fitness, there are some people that genetically might be more inclined to health, and others more inclined to less-health or dis-ease.  But ultimately, we can help ourselves towards whatever outcome we desire.  We might not ever be naturally the body-type we want, or we might not be able to take away traumatic events, but we can make all kinds of choices that move us towards the health we are seeking.  Daily choices, simple choices, easy choices which taken alone mean very little.  But cumulatively, these little choices add up into results we can see, feel, appreciate.  Furthermore, we then have the empowerment and satisfaction knowing that we arrived at those results, thanks to our own hard-work and focus. 

Here is one source to consider for practicing mental health:

https://www.inc.com/murray-newlands/20-awesome-chants-that-will-radically-improve-your-life.html

Keeping Passion Alive in Long-Term Love

This is a great little article in Scientific American about the research being done on intimacy and desire with long-term couples.  This research indicates that when partners are well-attuned and emotionally-responsive, the feeling of being desired increases (as does sexual-arousal).  Ironically though, many couples report a decline in sexual arousal as the relationship becomes more comfortable (The Intimacy-Desire Paradox).  So what is happening there?  Why would emotional attunement, and/or our experience of being desired, decrease over time?  Here are my thoughts:  

I'm wondering about our experience of being "desired."  Perhaps some of the experience of being desired initially can only be correlated (subconsciously) with rather superficial aspects of self.  That person who sees us from afar doesn't really KNOW us.  Initially we are attracted to maybe humor, beauty, charm.  But what about when those qualities fade into the background of a real relationship?  When we are not at our best; when we are slogging through the day-to-day boring life tasks; what then is desirable?  As we live day-in and day-out with our partner, its generally not explosive passion that keeps us together.  Its those deeper, more subtle, values, qualities, and characteristics that keep us moving towards one-another.  This type of being known, is a wholly different type of intimacy. 

I wonder if this deeper intimacy is scary for us.  I wonder if its so intimidating and intense that we are reluctant to name this intimacy.  When I work with couples, and we get down to the deeper levels, I hear them say "I was so scared that I was too much for you.  I would overwhelm you if I was really myself."  "I was scared I would never be enough for you."  "I couldn't ask you if you still loved me because I was so terrified to find out that you didn't."  "I was scared that if I really let you in, you would find out that I was a fraud."  FEAR.  Like, heart-racing, crying, sweating, FEAR! 

I wonder if part of the reason that sexual-desire starts to drop off as intimacy increases, is because we quit sharing about how connected, amazed, dependent, comfortable, etc. we feel.  It might feel too scary at a certain point to keep going deeper into those conversations.  Essentially, as time/dependency/relationships go deeper, the risk goes up.  The fear of reaching and sharing deeply goes up.  We become reluctant to share about the heart-achingly beautiful connection we feel with our partner, because it would be SO vulnerable and emotional to do so.  So, we hold back and we simply say "Oh! I love you so much!" (that's if we are brave).  It would be too vulnerable and terrifying to share how deeply connected we feel/long to feel.  So the sense of being desired diminishes.  There goes sexual-arousal, and here comes confusion!   

Because You Take Me As I Am

Weight is an "ism" that is rarely discussed with much insight or understanding, if at all.  We each have a profoundly sacred relationship with the vessel we call "body."  This is a touching piece about wanting what we all want; to be loved and to be seen just as we are is a universal longing. 

http://www.upworthy.com/its-hard-to-date-when-youre-fat-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think?c=upw1&u=a16a4e8378535a5b0a38aaab2eadc41328c4cad9

Better Sex Through Safety

Couples are often wondering how to improve their sex-life.  Here is a wonderful discussion between Dr. Sue Johnson and Neil Sattin.  Dr. Sue Johnson is one of the foremost researchers on love and bonding.  Neil Sattin has a podcast and many resources for relationships. 

http://www.neilsattin.com/sue2

". . . novelty is like play.  An attachment researcher would say that sexual passion is the longing for connection, twinned with attunement (being responsive and engaged with each other) and therefore the ability to play.  And where the novelty comes in is in spontaneity and play.  The ability to feel safe with someone and talk about your sexual needs openly, being able to talk about any sexual issue or problems openly, about your passion.  When you look at it as longing, attunement, and erotic play, that's where the novelty comes in."  -Dr. Sue Johnson