Couples often come in with conflict regarding difficult family situations. Generally, both members of the couple feel unheard and unsupported regarding their feelings surrounding the family situation. This can be tough to sort out because often the situation has been going on for many years and there are many episodes of conflict, hurt feelings, renewed hope, broken trust, etc. In many cases, addiction, finances, treatment of children, and other heated issues are involved in the situation. Families involve many people, and people are messy and flawed. The more people, the more chances there are for some kind of messy situation to arise.
While my ultimate goal with all couples is to help them communicate openly and more vulnerably, I also have some thoughts on self-care for dealing with difficult family situations.
#1- Get an individual counselor; If your feelings about a family situation weigh on you, but result in conflict or feeling unheard when you talk with your partner, it probably means you need to find a safe place to process. We can't always be the best listeners for our partners, when they are upset with OUR family members. While I'm sure we'd all like to be that objective and neutral, we aren't. Its the old concept of "I can talk bad about my family, but YOU CAN'T!" It might be appropriate for you to process with a trusted friend, but that too can become a messy situation. Its best/ideal for you to find a confidential, safe, neutral person to vent and process with.
#2- Journal or Letter Writing; Let me be clear that the "letter writing" is not actually letters to be shared. This self-care step is for you to process your feelings and organize things you might want/need to share with someone. This is NOT a suggestion to write a big, long, nasty letter and send it. The idea of journaling or writing letters (both of which may be later destroyed) are a way for you to externalize some of your heated thoughts and feelings. You can write, and re-write and organize yourself so that when you do communicate with your partner/family, you can be as kind and compassionate as possible.
#3- Remember Your Partner; If you have negative emotions about your partner's family, or their treatment of you/your partner, this is likely an impossibly painful situation for your partner. They need you to be supportive of them and their choices. No matter how horrible our families might be, we tend to love them and feel some kind of strange loyalty towards them. If you love your partner, try to stay focused on what they need from you as their loving supportive partner (while you have support from your own counselor/trusted friend).
#4- Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries; If this family situation simply will not/can not be resolved, you have to realize that you CAN NOT CONTROL ANYONE BUT YOURSELF! You can't control your partner (nor should you try), and you certainly can't control your families' choices and behaviors. All you can do is try to take care of yourself by remembering that you are separate from those people. Other people make odd choices but there is a boundary between you and all others. You can be ok no matter what anyone else says/does! Hold onto this fact when you go into different situations. Try to imagine that you are watching a movie with an odd cast of characters.
#5- Give Kids Critical Thinking Skills*; Talking negatively about family members around children isn't helpful. Kids need to be able to assess and come to conclusions for themselves about how they should be treated. As a parent, you don't need to tell them every detail of every family situation, you need to give them the skills and awareness about how they should be treated. Teaching them that its not safe to be around certain activities, language, behaviors etc. helps them develop the internal compass that steers them away from icky stuff. Teaching them about what compassion, kindness, fairness, and safety look like, helps them gravitate towards goodness.
*If situations are dangerous or unsafe for children, then its absolutely necessary that you take all precautions to keep kids safe.
